The least loving, wins.

Dear Papa P,

There's this thing that a lot of us are caught up in. No, it's not love. It's "scoring love."

Everyone wants to figure out who loves who more. The love you get is a positive and the love you give is a minus. In this computation, the more you love, the more you lose.

It's a sad truth. And it is practical.

Those who give more, loses more. And those who give less or nothing and takes everything they are offered, gains.

I'd want to just give, sure. Give to my hearts content and not ask or expect anything in return. But you know it doesn't work that noble way.

People will tell you to just give what you want to give, and be happy in giving it and not in what you get in return.

Bullshit.

If you continue in a relationship where your happiness lies only in giving and you never get the happiness in getting because you don't get anything in return, then you will lose everything. Because happiness is a addictive; we do the things that make us happy. So if giving is the only thing that makes you happy, you'll do it over and over until you lose everything. And we're not talking only material things here.

Noone wants to be taken advantage of, somehow robbed, undervalued, or, simply, nobody wants to be loved less.

Maybe, most of us, will just opt to be blinded, because we do not want to lose the selfish companion we have by our side. Or maybe because we get tired of the calculations and just give in to the flow.

This compulsion is rendering us all weak, and we lose just by calculating. And by calculating, we are judged to be selfish.

And yet that person who is not seen as selfish because she does not calculate and she does not care about who gives more or who gives less, wins and is destined to be happy. And sometimes, they are the people who do not give.

Damn life, Papa P.

Gotta love the Snow White in Bella Swan

Dear Papa P,

I was just watching Thor, Bella Swan, and, Aeon Flux in Snow White and the Huntsman.

I know, I know.. This is a very late review given that the film is already showing on cable. But what can I do? This is the forst time I saw it in full and I cannot quit hearing the words: I'd rather die than live another day of this death! And who will ride with me? Who will be my brother???

Sent chills up my spine the first time I heard it. It was wondrous. I always believed there was more to Kristen Stewart than Bella Swan.

I didn't care about Thor, er, the huntsman too much until he the words: "What are you looking at? Do something! Save her!!!"

I like a film that have lines that make a mark.

Now, I'm sure Aeon Flux, er, the queen witch, er, the witch queen (?) - whichever it is - had lines worth paying attention to but I was so caught up with staring at her face that I wasn't able to pay much attention. Definitely, the fairest of them all. Hmm.. stupid, stupid viewer.

I have read a review that notes that the movie was boring. But I wasn't bored. There's a lot of things happening, in fact! I just couldn't quite catch some of the words because of the accent, I might need subtitles to understand the whole script but the movie does amount to a lot.

An amazing collection of artists with beautiful faces who can deliver poetic lines with dignified emotion-filled voices in british accents alongside realistic yet dreamy settings and an enchanting musical score, that's one grand movie for me.

Wish you liked it too, Papa P! ♡

Let's talk about your Ex and the movie: I'll Be There

Dear Papa P,

I saw KC on CinemaOne with her dad and Jericho Rosales. OK lang naman na pag-usapan natin siya dahil siya naman 'yong bitter about the two of you right?

I was just thinking, the role of dissing Jericho Rosales should go to faces and bodies like Kristine Hermosa's and, maybe, Ann Curtis'. Now, I won't be saying anything about KC Concepcion's body, if not for their production's insistence on making her wear body-hugging or arm-baring clothes.

I mean, her face is OK. Honestly, I think it would have been better for her to have taken a project that is more intellectually arousing but she took this tweetumms movie. And when I watch a tweetumms movie, I most probably will looking for a cuter actress who could get away with all the cheesy.

The movie, which probably is just an excuse to get father and daughter Concepcion in one film, is, yes, an excuse for a movie. Mad daughter with daddy issues who lives in New York comes to a province in the Philippines to claim a sum of money promised by humble, simple all-changed father who left her during her childhood. She is mad, mad, mad and wants the money but money is not ready so she has to stay a bit at the daddy's big comfy farm. Meanwhile, she meet handsome Jericho Rosales and they fall in love. And then, Daddy gets drunk and she gets tired so they start this discussion about the past. And then, morning after, everything is forgiven. Then, Daddy doesn't want to give the money anymore because he wants her to stay. They fight. She leaves anyway. Daddy wires the money. She returns. Happily ever after, bow. Jews!!

That plot is blah. So much drama. The only refreshing part of this movie is the setting, lots of greens, and Jericho Rosales. It is one of those movies that you keep watching 'til the end in hopes that the plot will get better. But it ends in the very predictable happy ending it has, leaving you disappointed about the movie and with justified predictions.

I'd say, maybe she is a good actress. And with the quality of an actress her handlers claim she is, they should not have signed her up for something so less of quality.

Pasta Boo at Bo's Coffee - 5f SM Megamall

Dear Papa P,

The carbonara at Bo's Coffee is one of the reasons why I hate dining at places that charge too much for something you can do at home for less than half its price. You pay too much for something and you expect a delicacy.

The pasta, about half of my small palm, was dry. The sauce which is about two spoons seem like it needs to be thawed. Then, as an unfortunate surprise, you see that there is about 3 spoons of lukewarm water underneath the pasta making it a watery, cold-sauced dry pasta pile of garbage. This is joined by one slice of cold wheat bread cut in half. Let's repeat: Cold wheat bread.

This for P185. Absolute waste of money.

This after the horrific customer service at the counter where the staff talked to me in a demeaning loud tone because she can't hear me. I have sore throat, Maria Diana. I can hear you, you can't hear me. I'm the one who should be raising my voice.

I found quite a joy in their brownies which sells for P50 and it's unfortunate that I ate the brownie first. Eating the brownie before eating the carbonara was like getting your nails done before going home to a garbage can.

I really hate the place. Only three people working on a crowded saturday. It would've been understandable if Maria Diana was grouchy because they are tired from having everything done, but tables are dirty and orders are not being handed out in a timely manner. So, no, the job is not being done right and so I will not even try to understand.

The best thing you can do to be pleased with Bo's Coffee is order brownies to-go. That way, you don't have to deal with rude staff, untidy tables, slow service and, yes, watery cold carbonara with cold wheat bread.

Pray for the Bo's Coffee staff, Papa P. Because I won't.

Sick on a Weekend

Dear Papa P,

Still on my colds chronicles. Sorry if I'm bombarding you with random thoughts while I am sick. Thing is, I do not have work and, therefore, have nothing good to do except bombard you with sick thoughts. Or, I mean, thoughts while I am sick.

Today, I really do not have much thoughts.

I went to the doctor for a 2pm follow-up check-up and found myself at the clinic a quarter before two and 15th in queue for a doctor who will be coming in an hour late.

Headed to booksale to get a book to kill time with. The search looks like it will be longer than the wait in queue. Great.

- - - -

Got an award winning book for P25.00 at Booksale (yey!), ate late lunch at Bo's Coffee (read the unfortunate review) and got to speak with the doctor a few minutes past 6pm. (Damn!)

The doc had my sinus X-rayed last Thursday and I was wishing they won't find a tumor made of pure booger on my tiny nose.

They didn't. But they found some kind of shit lodged in my sinus so I'm supposed to down at least six tabs every 12 hours for at least a week and antiobiotics for the next three weeks. The tabs burned almost three thousand pesos. I have never spent so much on medicine in my entire life. If medicine for common colds is so damned expensive, I wonder how many people die of it or of complications from it.

- - -

I slept the whole Sunday (January 19) and had to cancel dinner with my brods (sisters) from college. They didn'y mind cancelling knowing that I wasn't feeling well.

I'm actually quite touched with the number of people sending messages to ask how I am. Although I feel really horrible, it is, after all, just common colds.

I'm feeling better now except for the sore throat. I guess the drug attack and the snooze-fest did me good.

In the next 30 years...

Dear Papa P,

At the risk of sounding melodramatic over colds, cough and a little fever, I write to you again about sickness.

Or, not entirely about sickness… Basing on sickness, but more about the future. Or health. Or wellbeing. Or death. Or whatever you think the whole point of my writing is.

Anyway…

I was riding a jeep home from a friend’s house feeling my nose get colder, heavier and feel a tinge of pain and thought about death. Yes. In that instance, I thought about death.

Don’t worry. It’s something quite usual with me. Not a lot of people know it, or, maybe, no one knows it but me, but I think of death a lot of times.

Some days, I wake up and think if I might die that day. I dream of me being in a coffin at my wake. Sometimes, when I jog, I’d fixate at a spot and think if that could possibly be the spot I’d lay on if I, all of a sudden, get a cardiac arrest while trying to be healthier.

Don’t worry. I don’t get scared about the thought. It’s just a curious thought. It’s the Nostradamus in me trying to predict the future. Or my lack of it, that is.

Going back…  I thought about death. And I wanted to think of how long I’ll be here.

Considering the odds, my dad died of colon cancer at age 68 and that I am an obese smoker with small feet and bad eyesight, we can factor in, colon cancer, lung cancer, bone problems and eye issues. 

I think the longest I’ll be here would be 60’s. Earliest I’d go will be 40’s, probably. I most probably will be here this whole decade.

I’m not sure. (But you must’ve guessed that.)

Just the same, I think it will be best to plan ahead.

Now, given that I may last only about 30 more years, or less, here, I have no intention to spend the rest of my entire life broke and tied to a 25-year mortgage. So, no, unless I, for some reason, get enough money to buy everything I want, I will not buy a house. I will rent a comfortable place that does not burn my whole paycheck and stay in it as long as I want – no commitments.

No, I will not quit my job and tell the whole damn world that money is not important. Because money IS important. And unless, I find a way to just hang around at a café all day and be assured that my bills, my rent, my travel expenses, my groceries and my coffee will get paid, I will not quit my job.

I might get crazy and leave my current job for something I want to experience that pays less. But I won’t do that without a stuffed savings account. If all else fails, I do not want to become a homeless ass who lives as a liability to society until the day I fortunately die or commit suicide.

So, I probably won’t leave my job. At least, not until I find a better one.

I would want to lose weight. Drop all the extra pounds. Now, I’m not into trying to look like Barbie. But with my big eyes and usually fuzzy hair, a big belly will make me look like a fuckin’ troll. And no, I don’t like that idea. So, I want to lose weight and fit into any shirt and, consequently, feel pretty – because my idea of self-worth is governed partly by society’s opinion of whether I am good-looking or not.

Also, just to make myself, and maybe others, think that I can do anything I want to. I can climb mountains, I can teach myself how to bike at 25, I can learn to swim at 17, and, yes, I can lose weight at 28.

Do I want to earn a billion dollars before I die? I don’t. Why the fuck will I need that? I’m gonna have fun with my monthly salary, my small side-income and my over-limit credit card.

At this rate, I am where I want to be. And bored.

Maybe I should sleep more so when I get bored of sleeping I can wake up and think walking around and doing daily tasks is not that boring.

Hmpft. Have a follow-up check up with the doc today and she’ll be reading x-ray scans of my nose. Got to go.

Pray for my nose, Papa P. 

May sakit ang makina.

Dear Papa P,

Andito ako sa clinic kasi may ubo ako, at sipon na twing gabi lang dumadating. O kaya pag nakakainom ako ng mainit. The rest of the time, yung sipon ko ay isang malaking pabigat at harang lang sa ilong.

Tuwing gabi din mahiwaga akong nilalagnat na para akong namamanigno dahil nawawala yung lagnat pagdating ng umaga. (Sayang!)

Hindi ako sakitin. Sabi ng ex ko, malamang daw mamatay ako sa malalang sakit dahil hindi gumagana yung antibodies ko. Kaya ex ko na siya ngayon.

Sabi ng boss ko, kung pwede daw wag na ako magpa-schedule ng absence kasi maraming trabaho. Pero sabi ko, ayoko magtiis. Kahit na, siguro kaya ko. Malamang kaya ko. Ayoko magtiis.

Hindi naman kasi kasama sa binayaran sa akin ng kompanya yung pagtitiis ng sakit. In fact, benepisyong bigay ng kompanya sa akin ang sick leave. Na hindi pwedeng maging cash. Kaya gusto ko magpahinga. Dahil wala namang mabuting dulot sa akin ang pagtitiis.

Trabaho namin ang magsalita. Buong bwakananginang walong oras kaming nagsasalita kaya ngayong masakit ang lalamunan ko, ayokong magtrabaho. (Nahulaan mo na ba trabaho ko, Papa P?)

Ayos naman si boss. Mabait nga siya at matalino. Pero pagod na kasi ako. Hindi naman naiibsan ng kabaitan ni boss ang sakit ng lalamunan ko. Kaya ayoko paawat.

Pero nagi-guilty ako na hindi ako papasok. Kaso... naiisip ko, bakit ako magi-guilty? E nagkataon lang na ngayon pa ako nagkaubo.

Siguro nagi-guilty ako kasi masaya ako na ngayon ako nagkaubo at sinasamantala ko ang pagkakataon para hindi magtrabaho - kahit kaya ko naman tiisin.

Bakit kasi ganito no? Meron tayong mentality na kelangan natin tiisin yung sakit at magtrabaho kahit na masama ang pakiramdam natin. Superhero tendencies.

O siguro nagi-guilty ako kasi may sasalo nung trabahong maiiwan ko? Pero syempre, dinedebate ng utak ko yung puso ko. Kung may nagkasakit na iba, wala silang pake kung saluhin mo yung trabaho nila. This IS NOT about teamwork. Ang "take one for the team" ay ginagamit sa team who will take one for you. Kung magpapaka-superhero ka, gano ka kasiguradong may sasagip sa yo?

Wala na lang utangan ng loob. Magkakaron ka lang ng unjust expectations. Pero wag ka lang pabigat at magpa-schedule ka.

Hmm.. tatapon ko na nga yung guilt!

Ito ang advantage ng pagtatrabaho sa korporasyon kung san tinuturing kang makina, walang guilt! Yung trabaho mo, pwedeng gawin ng iba. Bawat minuto mo, binibilang. Wala silang pake kahit pagod ka na, kasi bayad ka naman.

Sa ganitong trabaho, dapat kabisado mo yung karapatan at benepisyo mo para gamitin mo kapag pagod ka na.

Hindi mo kelangan gamitin ang konsensya.

Kasi... wala naman konsensya ang makina, Papa P.